Check out the beginning of or infertility journey here before reading on if you haven’t already.
Photography by Amanda Wose
The title says it all. WHEWWWWWWWW. That’s us on the roller coaster the past few days and no it wasn’t as fun as it was when we were kids at Six Flags Astro World.
We had to get blood drawn last week to test for just about everything to prove we are healthy enough for IVF. They took 2 tubes of blood from Austin and 6 tubes from me and after fasting at that! Luckily, I didn’t faint from low blood pressure as I have the two times I’ve tried to donate blood but I knew there were going to be lots more tests for me. A week later, I got a call back from our infertility clinic saying that my results were in and I am not immune to varicella… aka chicken pox…and I need the vaccine again, even though I had received it when I was young. When I told a few of my friends this, they hadn’t even heard of the chicken pox shot! We lived in Venezuela when I was young and I think due to the timing of moving there, for some reason I got the vaccine and never had chicken pox and apparently, it’s something that can wear off? She also said that they cannot move forward with implantation while the virus is still in me, so I needed it like asap because we then have to wait two months after getting the shot for the last steps of IVF. CURVE BALL. We could still move forward with egg extraction and I knew the timeline after that was a wait of 7-8 weeks SO if I get this shot asap it may not prolong the timing at all.
Panicked, I called around and found a pharmacy that has it. Four hours later and three pharmacies later, still no shot for Stacy. Each time there was an excuse for not getting the shot; they were randomly closed for lunch at 2pm, they didn’t administer it there (although they said they did on the phone), my insurance didn’t cover and then finally when I decided to do it without insurance to just get it over with, the vaccine was EXPIRED and she couldn’t do it. like seriously? I was crushed. I had wasted so much time trying to get this stupid chicken pox shot and failed. To describe the day was absolute defeat. I felt defeated leaving at 5pm knowing I had to wait for a whole day to move forward with this. So many emotions followed that night. Anger. Confusion. Frustration. Doubt. Do we wait to start IVF? Should we keep trying naturally? Is God telling us something? Literally reading between all the lines and coming up with all the “what if’s”. I won’t lie, Austin and I fought for a good 24 hours as emotions just consumed us, it was hard to not be upset. I honestly did NOT want this shot. Were we going to have to re structure this plan? Are our hearts open to shifting this plan’s timing?
I called my friend that is a PA around here and she said I’ll squeeze you in Thursday morning and we will figure this out. So, Thursday finally arrives and the first thing she says is it’s two shots and have to be administered 6 months a part. WOA. The curve ball curves harder. So, now we are talking about almost a year delay. (approx. 9 months) I about cried. If she wasn’t the nicest and friendliest person, I probably would have cried. Now what God? But then she follows it up with, “I don’t think you need this shot”. Wait. What? They said it is required! Through conversation she explains that if I have already received the shot, my body may not be a responder to the vaccine and giving it to me again won’t help anything. Ok, maybe I don’t fully understand it all but it makes sense and heck I don’t want this shot anyways. But I cannot control what they require! But then she said these magical words, “let’s call your doctor I want to talk to them”. She stepped out of the room to do so. I knew when she came back I would be able to do attempt pregnancy now or have to wait a year. What a difference that would be! My mind raced and flooded with the worst. Would we even want to do egg extraction and then wait that long AND then is there chance my eggs having the virus in them? Or would we just want to wait all together? Would we get the shot? Would we not so we can try naturally longer? So, I just prayed. Sometimes people say, all you can do is pray. But aren’t we lucky that we have the powerful act of prayer? It is all you ever want to do! Not a last resort type thing. Lord, I know this is your timing, not mine. I trust you. Even if it’s the latter, I trust your timing and your plan. Thy will be done. I opened my heart for the answer even if it wasn’t the one I wanted. I also shot out a few prayer requests to all my warriors! She came back in with the BEST NEWS! NO SHOT NEEDED! I literally jumped up and hugged her. I am so grateful for her even suggesting that we should question this harder and also the kindness for her to take her own time to call. Relief.
As I got in the car it hit me. THAT’S why I couldn’t get the shot the other day. God literally blocked me from taking that path. He said NOPE. Not today Stacy. This isn’t your path. Not only did I not need it, it would have changed our timing dramatically and God was giving me the ability to still do this now. He is saying GREEN LIGHT not red! I am not stopping you. He is meeting us in our plan (yet again) to move forward with IVF now, not next year. To feel more confident in our plan is HUGE for us after a few days of doubt. It all made sense now why I wasn’t able to get that shot.
Isn’t that amazing? He is sooooooo faithful and he is answering prayers all the time. We just may not quite know that he’s working. We can’t see the whole picture. I kind of picture it as an iceberg, we can only see the tip from our earthly surface but God sees the whole thing to the depths of the ocean. Here, I thought I was being defeated not being able to get the shot but God whispered, trust me I have bigger plans for you.
I told Austin the other day I really feel like God is leading us. I don’t feel like we are alone or just making a rash decision or trusting doctors over him. I feel him in the driver’s seat. Then a curveball came and gave us room to doubt and the devil started whispering lies. My mind went in a whirlwind doubting he has ever been in the drivers seat and I know Austin’s did too. I think today more than ever I feel that he IS driving and he DOES have his foot on the pedal for us, not the breaks. We had heard from a few infertility friends that there may, ok let’s be honest there WILL, be road bumps in the way whether it be financially or physically and to be prepared for them. Welp. Here ya go and we know it may not be the last.
A few things I learned in this.
- Question everything medically! Don’t just do as you’re told. If you feel like it isn’t right, get a second opinion or a confirmation from another person/doctor. Or simply ask again. I promise I am not an idiot who just hung up the phone after she told me to get the shot and said “ok will do!”. I explained my situation and asked a few times if there was any way around it. BUT, I never asked to talk to the actual doctor. Had I got that shot the other day, I would have placed myself, not fully knowing (unless the super rude under staffed pharmacist would have told me the details which I highly doubt it), into a year delay! We wouldn’t have even been able to try naturally with that in my system.
- Second thing is when God closes a road and tells you to take a different exit, take it. There may be a reason. Don’t keep trying to push your car in your direction and be disappointed when it doesn’t work. Open your heart to hear what HE has to say or where HE may guide you. My biggest piece of advice in life has always been that a closed mind gets you nowhere but where YOU and you alone want to go! And that may not always be the right place or lead you to the most heartfelt thoughts, so it can lead you down a dangerous and selfish mindset. We cannot possibly be that confident in our thoughts to be closed minded about ANYTHING. God knows all. Not us. This proves that concept again.
- Trials like this are tough emotionally obviously, but be prepared for what it can do to your relationship with your husband. You think you are prepared but then emotions set in and WOA can that change things. We now have a few ground rules and strategies for when our emotions cloud or vision or our rationality and an experience to relate to.
I am so happy to still be moving forward, not only because I have spent the past month preparing my mind and body for it but because it is so exciting! We have our first appointment Monday, where I will start medications and receive my calendar for the coming weeks. My mind has been in such a whirlwind that I am exhausted but I also cannot sleep so I am even more exhausted. Perhaps it’s nerves, perhaps it’s excitement, perhaps it’s emotions but I can tell you it is not fear. I am trying to have every part of my house cleaned, organized and minimized to really have nothing else to worry about these next weeks. Ive been working as a part time event planner and I also didn’t accept my next event lead for Spring. Austin’s job is slowing down a little bit giving us more room to be present in this. Green lights all around. I am also SUPER blessed that my Momma will be coming to stay with us for a week and a half to help with everything during egg retrieval. Like I said in my first post, you are NEVER too old to have your Momma around.
Sending love, Stacy