Do you ever have those days where you feel like God is closer than others. It is most likely to do with our thoughts and actions but in my opinion I can feel him more days than others. Then there are those days where you feel his arms wrapped around you. Where the littlest thing will make you happy cry and Christian music pierces your soul at a whole other level. That’s today January 31, 2018 for me. I think I have cried four times today? Mostly from connecting with music or maybe it was the simplest realization that we are HERE. The windy long road has led us to this day. We are at the beginning to the closest we have been to having a baby in our arms. I know it may sound weird to say, but I feel like the hard part is over. When I am feeling bloated with a distended belly next week you have permission to remind me that I said this. We went through the emotions of trying to conceive. Having troubles. Then the big scary route of infertility testing. We researched. We studied. We prayed for our path and guidance without knowing the answer. We found a GREAT doctor. We passed all the pre-testing. We successfully ordered all the medication. We dealt with all the fraud department calls from the big spending on credit cards. We PAID for the procedure and medication. We organized the syringes/alcohol wipes/medication/etc. We connected on a whole other level after some very trying days of emotions. We waited for the period. Then we waited another day when my levels weren’t quite ready for shots yet. To me…. that was the hard part. All that above. It feels SO good to be where we are at. I can relax and let my amazing and comforting IVF coordinator nurse call me everyday and tell me what to do, or dose of medicine to change or stop, or when to come in next.
The icing to the cake is God has his arms wrapped around me today. After listening to Harry Potter book 6 on the 4 hour cumulative drive to my 5 min appointment to draw more blood, I was feeling emotional. My mind started brainstorming the worst. What if my blood levels are still not where they should be? The thing with IVF is it is scheduled to an exact timing for a reason. What if I miss my window because my hormones won’t calm down? As my mind started racing to all the what if’s that can happen through the whole journey I literally started singing it is well, with my soul. The words didn’t come from my heart, but his. I decided to switch from Harry Potter to my infertility playlist on Spotify filled with up lifting Christian songs. Since I was driving, I just pressed shuffle. What song comes on? It is well. It was the simplest action of the Lord saying, I hear your fears but I am here to tell you IT IS WELL. Do you ever start brainstorming with fear? Imaging the worst? Or letting your thoughts get carried away? What I am learning through this whole process is to stop those thoughts and truly have faith over fear. It isn’t always easy but it is becoming more of a habit to stop those thoughts. I am becoming more mentally strong through it, more in control of my thoughts. Which is one thing you want to be in control of.
You see, everyone is on an adventure of life. It is all too human to be looking for the end of our small journeys. When we will have a baby in our arms finally? Where our next job will be? Looking forward to all the NEXT steps in life. When we will finish college or high school. When our kid will be able to make his own breakfast. When our kids will stop fighting. When we will get that big pay raise. When we will get a new car since ours is breaking down. When we will pay off our car. When we will get a boss that understands me. When my house will finally be organized. When I will loose that weight. When I will find that special someone. When I will finally get engaged. When. When. When. We concentrate on all these things sometimes too often, we miss the miracle now. We miss God’s embrace at the beginning not the destination.
Since it is Word Wednesday, I am going to add on to this with my favorite bible verses.
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (NIV Isaiah 40:31) I hope you can find a way to soar today. To soar in your trial. To soar in your journey not the destination. To soar, despite not really having it all together yet.
After a hard day of emotions last week, I told my sister that I wasn’t scared of all the needles and procedures coming up. I was simply scared of my hormones and emotions. She gave me the best advice! (The best advice to a control freak going through so much out of their control.) “Give yourself the GRACE to not have it together all the time”. I then said, “I can handle me, but I don’t want to be mean to Austin. He is too great.” She then said, “Well Stacy, he is going to have to give you GRACE AS WELL.” What powerful words. It gave me strength to soar even when I may not handle everything perfectly, which let’s be honest. NONE OF US DO. So give yourself Grace today as well. I always try to have healthy dinner cooked and timed exactly after my husband gets off from working hard out in the field all day for us. Then there are those random days, I just ask to go out to eat to break routine and feel rebellious in a tiny way but now I know its giving myself Grace that it is OK to not cook, to eat unhealhy or out occasionally. I think I just decided that tonight, we are going out! Then we will come home pray together, then give me my first shots in my stomach in hopes of becoming pregnant with our first child from them. On second thought, maybe we will get dessert too.
Sending Love, Stacy
Miss the beginning to our infertility story? Read here!